Back to Bonkers: My First Eurovision 2013 Rankings/Reviews

Hi. I planned to make my next post a rant about a super stupid class I have to take to graduate from high school. However, that’s been put on hold for this, which is much more fun and interesting!

So, Eurovision selection season has ended, the 39 songs have been chosen, and we’ll be picking a winner from the bunch come 18 May. In this downtime, people will exchange reviews, predictions, random bitchings, etc. Pretty much, that’s what I’ll be doing too. This is my second year doing rankings like this. However, I plan on implementing a more objective system after the contest to help evaluate performances without (as much of) my personal taste interfering. However, in my subjective method, I’ll start with the bottom five. My places 39-35 are…

Country Song Artist Place Last Year
Lithuania Something Andrius Pojavis 31st
Armenia Lonely Planet Gor Suyjan
Bulgaria Samo Shampioni Elitsa & Stoyan 21st
Belarus Solayoh Alyona Lanskaya 37th
Latvia Here We Go PeR 34th

Starting from the bottom, number 39: Latvia. “Here We Go” – PeR

This song is just gross. If it tried to enter Junior Eurovision, it would sound puerile there. There’s no substance to this whatsoever and I just can’t stand it. Non-qualifier for sure. Sadly, Latvia had so many better options in their national final (Liene Candy, Ieva Sutugova, Samanta Tina etc.) and they chose one of the weakest songs on offer. Sigh.

Number 38: Belarus. “Solayoh” – Alyona Lanskaya

In true Belarussian fashion, the winner of this year’s – well, technically last year’s – Eurofest, Alyona Lanskaya, won with the song “Rhythm of Love,” a passable, pleasant pop-dance song, and then switched it out for this piece of Latin-esque trash. “Solayoh” is just annoying and garish in the worst possible way. The lyrics are stupid, the beat recycled, and the performance will be, inevitably, slutty. And this is all without mentioning the pretty nefarious ways that Ms. Lanskaya conducted herself in changing her song. That’s the worst part of this train wreck.

Number 37: Bulgaria. “Samo Shampioni/Only Champions” – Elitsa & Stoyan

After going to Helsinki and achieving the best Bulgarian result ever (5th with “Water”), Bulgarian television recruited the ethnic/electro duet of Elitsa and Stoyan to bring them back to the final in Malmö. They held a national final on 3 March and ended up with the song “Kismet,” something interesting and well-crafted. Just like Belarus, however, that song was replaced under auspicious circumstances for a trashy, just as annoying song that is only appropriate for public at the lowest league of soccer play. “Samo Shampioni” only gets some extra credit for being sung in Bulgarian rather than heavily accented English (which actually might change, sadly).

Number 36: Armenia. “Lonely Planet” – Gor Suyjan

I didn’t follow the Armenian selection this year, but I sincerely hope that this wasn’t the best song, because, if so, then they probably had the worst NF on offer. This song is so grating and Gor’s rock-style interpretation is really not in tune with the theme of the song at all. This just doesn’t work for me. Sorry, Armenia.

Number 35: Lithuania. “Something” – Andrius Pojavis

First of all, I’m already against “Something” because the incredibly dense Lithuanian jury sent this to Malmö instead of the best song of ALL the 2013 season, Gerai Gerai & Miss Sheep’ “War in the Wardrobe” For your pleasure, here is that work of art at the finale of the Lithuanian selection on 20 Dec. 2012.


Sidenote, this national final in Lithuania was second to only Azerbaijan in terms of length. Anyway, aside from getting (pointless) redemption for losing my favorite song, “Something” is just so flat and boring. Sinplus last year showed that this style of music can be very fun and energetic but this just has zero power. Add to that the fact that poor Andrius has very little charisma and we’re probably looking at the first Lithuanian song to miss the final since Europe was given sequined hotpants… on guys.

Well, that’s the first set of reviews. In reality, I’ll probably cram more countries into a post at a time, but this is really the only part of my list that I have finalized. So, to build a little suspense, here’s a hint to the makeup of my top 5: All but one of them was picked/revealed in March and the lone wolf was picked in December 2012. Also, the colors of the flags are (with no intent to create color combinations), red, blue, black, yellow, and white. Good luck guessing (as if…)

With all that said, it really is time for me to stop writing. I’m out.

-Nick

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Posted in 30 Day Eurovision Challenge, Eurovision 2013

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